I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I understand Curling. That high.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
