whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
