Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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