On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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