god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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