my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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