he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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