On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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