Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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