I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
