she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
