Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
