NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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