That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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