She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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