Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
