he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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