I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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