It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
