The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
