I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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