Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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