Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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