You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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