I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
