I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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