I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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