is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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