I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
