how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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