She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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