before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
