8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
