New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
