you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
