you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
