the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
