She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
