Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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