If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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