No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
