Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
