God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
