dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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