tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
