dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
