I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can text with my tongue
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize