after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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