ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
