and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
