ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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