Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
