I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize