I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize