If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
