morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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