if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize