What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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