Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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