i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
