i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
