if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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