So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
